Sleeping in Faith

Last night I fell asleep early. Even earlier than most nights.

My day had been a little better, mentally, than the previous days. I had been staying more hopeful and dodging the struggles I have with depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideations.

After having a "pretty good" day suddenly, around 6:30pm, I noticed my thoughts, followed by my feelings, became very negative. My subconscious and conscious thoughts became overwhelmed with hopelessness and worry. I sensed there was only a grim and unfulfilling future ahead for me.

I had more trouble, more than I had experienced in previous days, fighting off the ambush of dark thoughts that swarmed the walls & gates of my mind. Thoughts, imaginations, voices of fear and accusations, were being flung at the gates, the walls, and over the walls, of the fortress in my mind.

Like an attack on a medieval style city, or fortress, there were arrows flying over the walls. Catapults were slinging balls of fire over, and against, the walls of my city. Large tree trunks were used in attempts to breach the gates. While a large, overwhelming, number of dark enemy soldiers, fear, hopelessness, and negativity, were causing havoc outside of the walls.

The weaponry, the ideas, accusations, worries and fears were specific to me. They told me I would never see my wife again. That she was forever lost. She was on drugs and had chosen things in life other than me. That I would never see my son again, whom I havent seen in nearly three years. I would never have my own home, or family.

The onslaught of concerns told me, and gave me pictured imaginations, that I would forever be alone. Not only did my wife choose a life, and people, other than me. But the artillery used against me suggested that no one would ever choose me. The dark enemies outside the walls of my city, the voices in my mind, chanted loudly all of my failures, mistakes, and the issues I would never overcome.

The flames that the arrows, and other ammunition, were covered with were flames of hopelessness and depression. The flames would begin to ignite inside the city walls, in my mind. I sensed the hopelessness and depression begin to spread. Some flames, if left burning long enough, caused so much hopelessness that they began to incite suicidal thoughts.

The flames could only be extinguished if I refused to panic. If I remained calm, and at peace, I could battle the flames. Depending on what source or solution was nearby I could, at times, throw a blanket over the spreading flames. A blanket of the truth of God's love and faithfulness. Truth that I wasn't alone and that these lies were not real. Truth that He has good plans for my future.

If there was a bucket of water nearby I could douse the flames with that. This water was the water that flowed from His side. Jesus' side. The same water that flowed when he was being bombarded, attacked, ambushed, beaten, then stabbed in his side, just under his ribs. This water could put out the flames much better, and quicker, than other sources of water.

With this water, as it touched the igniting flames, it caused a sound, a reaction. The sound that it caused sounded like a violent, whispered, yet rushing, wind. It made the sound of a verbal declaration. As this water sizzled out the large flames, the sound it created spoke, "It is finished".

As I battled in defense, not having anticipated this attack, I was beginning to tire. I had been sitting on my bed, battling now for 15-20 minutes. The walls were holding, the gates had not been breached. The arrows and flames thrown over the walls of my mental fortress were many. But they were able to be extinguished.

Yet, now, I was becoming exhausted. I felt as if I wouldn't be able to lift another bucket of water. The heavy blankets, running to each flame, the mental burden of fears that seemed like facts, it was all wearing on me.

Physically, I sat on my bed as all of this was taking place in my mind and emotions. Yet I was a just as tired, drained, and depleted of strength as I would have been had this all been an actual physical battle. I was becoming so exhausted that I didn't want to, and felt that I couldn't, fight all of this anymore.

Even if I wasn't succumbing to the attack, even if the weapons, lies, flames and hopelessness hadn't overtaken me, the battle had exhausted me. I decided that I needed to just allow myself to go to sleep. It was still before 7pm. This would be much earlier than I normally go to sleep. I paused. I waited to hear some words of wisdom, or guidance, from my Father.

The peaceful thoughts that followed were that I had fought well. That the enemy does attack when we are tired and vulnerable. And this is what had ocurred. Yet, having fought a good fight of faith, I had stood my ground. I had done all I could to stand. And all that I could, and did do, was enough. Not because I was SO MIGHTY. But because HE IS ENOUGH. He is mighty!

I had used all of my "little" strength, securing the gates of my mind against the lies. Throwing blankets of truth, and buckets of water, over fires of fear, hopelessness and depression. I had become worn down. Running up and down stairs, and from one side of my mind to the other.

Although I was now tired, He had not let me be tempted beyond what I could handle. I was where I was supposed to be in my mind, in my beliefs. And I stood firm, in His truth, with the belt of truth.

I was making it, and had made it, through this mental ambush. Because I can do all things that He has called me to go through, or allows me to go through. I can make it, could make it, and had made it, through all this, through Him. Because he gives me, and gave me, the strength I need. It felt like barely enough strength. But it was the strength I needed, and no more.

As I laid my head on the pillow I decided that sleep would be best. I could stay awake and, in my tiredness, try to keep fighting the enemy. But, awake or asleep, I had already made my stand and the enemy couldn't get in. They didn't make it over the walls, nor breach the gates. There were some small fires still going out, but the walls and gates of my mind had stood.

To stay awake, believing that I needed to put forth more effort, or go outside the walls and kill the enemy, was to be putting too much faith and dependency on myself and my own strength. My faith isn't, and can't be, in my own strength, performance, or abilities.

As tired as I was, worn out from this mental attack, it was easier to not try and have faith in myself. Now it was time to sleep and let the King, and His armies, finish this battle.

Like Jesus sleeping on the bottom of the boat during the storm. It was time for me to sleep in faith. Like God told Moses and all of Israel as Pharaoh and the army advanced toward them near the Red Sea, "Do not be afraid! Be brave! You will see how the Lord will save you today… The Lord will fight for you. You will only have to watch."

Not long after I had fallen asleep. When I awoke this morning lyrics of a song were playing in my head. It sounded like a song I know, or have heard. Yet in my searches I have not yet been able to find this song. The lyrics are, "Great is your faithfulness oh God. Great is your faithfulness oh Lord".

The morning devotional that I read, after waking to these lyrics, was this;

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. Psalm 18:6"

Psalm 18:1-6

New International Version

Psalm 18[a]

For the director of music. Of David the servant of the Lord. He sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

1 I love you, Lord, my strength.

2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

3 I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,

and I have been saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;

the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;

the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the Lord;

I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

my cry came before him, into his ears.

Psalm 18:16-19

New International Version

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I had been ambushed, yet again, by the enemies that have caused so much destruction in recent years. But this time, I recognized it sooner. This time I saw, more quickly, how to defend against them. This time, I stood my ground and did not give in. I did not retreat or lay down in surrender to the overwhelming fear of the enemy.

I had battled with my "little" strength. And, yes, I laid down. But I laid down in surrender to the King. In surrender to faith. I laid down knowing that I had done my part and He would do the rest. I fought what I could, with the strength that I had. And ultimately I had won, because He won for me.

I fought, then I slept. I could sleep knowing He is the King, the rescuer, the warrior. He is always victorious. Yes, I laid down during a battle, and slept. But this time, I had slept in faith.